Excuse me while I vent now, by vent I mean speak of the amazing things that HAVE happened in my life super recently.
I should have spoken of this before I ever spoke of the troubles I’ve been having to face.
Suddenly I have a sense that I am realizing the importance of priorities.
I have been in bed all day now, literally, all day. It’s almost four and after this post I’ll shower, pay a bill, find a place to pray, buy myself flowers, then somehow get my car fixed and checked. I’ll also get food in my system, and homework done.
I will not be a waste anymore.
Sunday night was amazing. But like most things that are to heavy and too personal, I pushed aside the words that were spoken into my life.
I was told by a friend, that all is well. All will be well, if I just continue to be myself, love me for me, and continue pressing on.
I was told that all I have to do is focus, not look over to my sides and see what others are doing, but just look forward and fix my eyes on the goal, Jesus.
I listened intently with wide eyes as this boy who has only spoken to me about three times suddenly knew all the right things to say.
The talk started off with boys, which unfortunately is relevant. He was explaining how boys worked and how boys thought. I just listened, and even though I never asked or brought up boys it was already like he knew that I needed to hear the things he was saying.
He proceeded to ask me my name in full, and to ask me if I knew who I was.
Yeah, Jenna. That’s me!
I have always known that my name meant small bird, but he laid it out for me so differently.
“Ah small bird. Jenna, you’re a nurturer. That’s why you love children, it’s what you are meant to do isn’t it?”
Yes I said, still wide eyed.
“And that’s all that God wants you to be, that what he has called you, and it isn’t just for no reason. Be that, Jenna, don’t try to be anything else for anybody or anything. Be Jenna!” He said.
When we first began talking I knew there was no way I would be sharing the things that I have actually been going through with him. He was barely a friend, and the heaviness of my life is all mine to know, and only mine. Before I knew it I spilled. I gave him a brief summary of the jist of my life and immediately I could see that he somewhat already knew.
“What happened, happened, and there is nothing that you can do about anything anymore. You know that, and I know that, and everyone else knows that. You need to let God embrace you again. You’re all His, and He wants you so bad, but if you continue to let yourself fall, its only gonna take longer for you to reach Him. Even if I had answers to your problems I wouldn’t tell you them because its this time that God wants you for himself, and its this time that He is gonna shape you so well. Stop looking to your sides, focus, and everything will fall into place. It’s the journey to the answers that will make you a better you.”
A month ago I had received that. It was all I had received. To focus on him, and everything would fall into place.
But I failed.
Now on a late Sunday night, here this boy was repeating the tasks that I had been given earlier, not knowing that I had known for a long time.
I looked at him and said, “I’m overwhelmed, one minute” then walked away to check on my tables.
Yes, this all happened while at work. The other odd thing was that for a solid 30 minutes which was the length of our talk I had not gotten a single table of mine seated. I knew this, but I had to flee; I had to get out of there and run away.
He had left his group of friends to talk to me, now they were ready to go and I saw them heading for the door. I felt relieved that I wouldn’t have to face seriousness again.
But he turned back, hugged me, and told me have the best night with an added “See you next Friday!”
The minute he walked out I sat in a booth and just soaked in the words that I know God was speaking over my life.
God is good. Better than good. I wish I was a better daughter, and I wish I was immediately obedient.
The length of this post is impressive, but I needed to get this out of my system.
I’m done focusing on everything that is going on around me, and anything negative that is trying to bleed into my life.
I need this time, and I am thankful for this time that I have to myself to grow. It’s just about time that I start actually using it for those reasons.
I won’t be phased anymore, I won’t be mean, or selfish, or unfocused. I won’t let myself be, because thinking about the waste I have been for the past month is sickening.
Today my best friend Kari told me to live day by day as if though I was terminally ill, and my response was “If I were terminally ill I’d stay in bed so I think i’m doing a pretty good job at it already.” Sarcasm, I’m quite the tough one to convince.
But this is for you.
It’s time for me to get better.