This past week was rough, it was long, and I felt so worn down. I’ve never felt more detached from Christ and from people. I know that I can easily motivate myself to read and speak to Christ but at this time in my life that’s just not enough.
Christ is always enough.
The problem is something deeper, and i’ve finally discovered what it is this morning mid worship.
Too often I think I feel pressured to write something positive, and the rest of this post probably wont be that. This won’t be pretty and strength filled. The truth is that I feel that I am too secure in myself. What I mean by this is that having Christ by my side just seems like a nice accessory, or in a different sense just a nice convenience. Like a body guard. I feel like I can do life, successfully, all on my own, and if Christ is by my side then that just makes me a little extra lucky.
This has to be the lowest piece of writing I’ve ever typed out, but it’s the truth.
I asked God this morning to send troubles my way. To weaken me, and to bring me down; to humble me. I asked him to teach me that He is the one that I should lean on, and I’m afraid that I won’t understand this until the confidence I have in myself is torn down, and till I find that I cannot lead or hold myself up on my own. I need to be reminded of the need that my life has for the Holy Spirit.
I feel completely ridiculous. As I prayed these words this morning my church was singing a song about how Christ will make the weak strong. Yet there I was praying for the complete opposite. Now the start of school is racing my way and the changes and work that I need to do on myself is something that I feel won’t be accomplished by the time I step back into my studies. This is terrifying. I’ve spent the better half of this week excited about returning to full time ministry, and now discovering all of these gigantic problems I have in myself makes me even wonder if I am at all worthy of leading.
I know what I need to do. Because praying has never felt more good, so I’ll be doing as much of that as I can from now on, but if you could pray for me too that would just be the biggest plus. I need direction, and a completely new outlook and attitude in my life.
Lord, let me learn to walk in authority, not of my own, but the one that is you within me.
I’m sorry for having shied away. I will be returning soon with some better content, and I hope you are doing so well!