About a month ago I sat down with my mother at a local restaurant to have dinner.
Now let me back track for a minute. Before this happened my mother and I had gone through a rough patch and we hadn’t been on speaking terms for about a week. It was the longest that I had ever gone without talking, acknowledging, or facing her. We somewhat sorted differences and decided to move on. So mind you when we had this dinner we had quite a bit to catch up on.
As we sat there we chatted about family members, concerns, and basic talk about our faith. That’s when she brought up my relationship, and I started to talk to her about my concerns for my future.
Whenever we get to talking it is always inevitable that my father gets brought up. Whether it’s a curious question that comes from me, or a sweet memory that my mother gets of a time that she spent with him. This time I told her about one of my deepest struggles and heartaches.
See the thing that I worry most about in life is that I will not adequately ever be able to be in a functional relationship, or marriage for the long term. I have nightmares that as a partner I will fail.
I’ve seen patterns in my life where is goes beyond relationships and into my school work and such. I absolutely hate group projects and I always will.. I would much rather do all of the work on my own because I feel like no one is able to do the work as good or correct as I could.
It could be a pride issue, but I am pretty sure it roots down much deeper than that.
So I began to talk to my mother about it. I told her about how I had major doubts in myself, and how it was really tearing down on me because one of my most deepest desires is to have a beautiful, strong, loving family. I want a full, complete family. I explained to her how twenty years of seeing one woman run a household on her own, and do both parenting jobs really knocked off my thoughts. Truthfully I have never seen a real functioning, equal sided relationship. I do not understand what roles a woman, or a man have in a household that is one. I do not understand how communication should work in a marriage, much less a relationship, and I do not understand what a relationship with a father and his children looks like. I can only go off what I see in other households or in movies, and most of those relationship usually just confuse the crap out of me. Because I don’t get it! In my mind it works one way, and in that pretty picture the woman does everything. In my mind that is the only way to having a successful family.
When I was done explaining all of this to my mother she simply looked at me and said, “I know.”
Which absolutely caught me off guard!! Immediately I responded with, “but how?!?!”
She explained to me that she saw it in both my sister and I, and although she knew it all along she was never sure whether or not we were aware of it. I could tell that it was something that worried her too, but she was more shocked by the fact that I was realizing these things about myself.
Since that day I have watched my sister’s relationship more closely and I see it more in her than in myself, but maybe I am just trying to make myself feel a bit better. Mothers are great, not perfect at all, but I have learned that it is so true when people tell you that your parents know you best.
I don’t know where this leaves me, and I try to subconsciously correct and catch myself when I am in the midst of thinking that I have to be in control of every little situation. All I can do is work at me, and hope things will change.
Today I have been thinking about this more so than usual, but I should move on now and not dwell in the worries of the future.
“Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.” Matthew 6:34