Here I Am – There You Are

It’s the month of July and it’s been way too long since I’ve sat down to write and think. I’ll be honest with you and myself though – I mostly avoided stopping to write because it meant that I would have to face the reality of my constant shifting and changing life. It also meant that I would have to process though and breathe out the stories of the unconventional events that have happened in this past year.

Last July was so different from this one and too much has changed – some good and some bad. It’s hard to find a place to begin, but I know that one day I’ll want to look back at these words and remember the sweet twisted journey that I’m currently in the middle of. (Because your girl has a really bad memory haha)

Last November I left the church that I had been working at for the past year and a half. As much as I expected the transition to be painful it was mostly good and peaceful. I knew that my spiritual well was starting to run dry and my questions had led me to grow more impatient. The truth is that I was slowly slipping away from God, and was in no place to be leading a kids ministry. So my passion faded and the transition was best for for the ministry and for myself.

Now I’ve always been a cryer, but that peace that I mentioned before totally kept me in tact. I was ready for something new and different. After leaving the church I went home for a couple weeks, went on a cruise, and then returned to Mesquite and began to apply to loads of odd jobs. I ended up landing a kind paying one in North Dallas, and this is where I am now. Who knew I’d end up working for a banking system and meeting a handful of amazing people that I am sure will be my closest friends for life. Through that transition I’ve gained way more than I’ve lost.

Tonight I sit at my favorite coffeeshop with a sweet pup napping under my chair, a dear friend to my right, and I could not be bothered.

Although life has not been perfect I am sure that things will always work themselves out and I am sure a way will always be made.

I look forward to sharing more again because it’s good for the heart to speak of the things that are happening in life. I look forward to sharing stories of adventures i’ve been on in this past year, and sharing about the adventures that are yet to come.

As always, whoever you may be – I hope you are so well!

Let’s talk again soon.

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Rising Sun

I play it off really well. We all do.

My hair is growing. It’s a couple inches past my shoulders. I encourage it daily to keep chuckin’ forward, or should I say downward? Yes, downward.

When I drive my windows are almost always down. Now that the summer is here I fear that this might have to change because the heat demands to be noticed in the most negative way.

Justin Vernon has been coming out of my speakers. Praise the Lord for Justin Vernon. Takes me to the mountains when I have none around me. Thing is, he smashes it in Bon Iver, but absolutely kills it on his own. Start with The Orient. And the Gatsby’s Slew of Choices.

I’m home for the weekend. Which should be great, but this place isn’t my own anymore. The time goes by dreadfully slow. I know that happiness to the fullest isn’t something I can find here. So it’s a day at a time that I take it. Monday will be here soon, and everything works out in the end.

For now I hold on to what is full of goodness in my life. Let that guide my way back up north.

What has changed?

It’s two thirty in the morning and I sit on my bed listening to Andrew Belle and thinking. Mostly about uninspiring but totally inspiring things.

I’ve realized it’s been an eternity since I’ve connected with you. So here I am. Let’s play catch up..

What has changed?

In the past half year I got half hired for a pastoral position at this great heart warming church. I now fit in and the place has become home. I love each person I’ve met more and more each week. There are lots of incredible hearts, and I could go on and on about this one place and how it’s captured my heart in work, and how I meet God on the daily there, but this is what I’ll say about it for now. Relationships have changed me here.

I’ve learned to love myself more. A LOT more. I love my insides and who God has made me. I love spending time with myself and treating my own human. This may sound silly, but I used to hate spending even a couple minutes alone with my own thoughts, in fear that they would eat me up. Now I embrace them. They suck at times, but I am thankful that I was made to be thoughtful. In addition to the inner love I also love my body. Self love is great y’all. Self love for life!

A little more than a week ago I caved in to my first tattoo experience. Psalms 139:16 is what I’ve now placed permanently on my left arm. In His book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me. This is a constant reminder that my moments are all in His hands. God has taken such great care of me. My days are His, and He knows them better than I. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

There’s much that hasn’t changed. I listen to music constantly, pray often, read often, and write a lot. I spend way too much money on junk and tea, and I laugh loads with myself. I’m lazy, and tardy often (working so hard to fix this), and I dance when excitement, feelings of nervousness, and good food come my way.

Life is great. I’m still constantly learning, and for this I am thankful. Cheers to changes and constants.

I hope you are doing well. It was a long minute. Until the next, stay rad reader!

new york, new york / 1am thoughts / mmm, bacon.

This day last year I returned home from my first trip out of Texas. The time was a really funny one because I almost couldn’t make out my feelings for most of the trip. I was there with the bestest of friends, doing all the things I thought I would have only ever done in dreams. / I sound like a 6 year old who was invited to disneyland or something of sorts, but it really was that magical.

It was the funkiest trip ever. I laughed too much, and my eyes were held wide for about 93% of the time, and there was even a couple of fights.

The buildings were enough to stir up something within me though.

Just now I was looking though a gift bag full of all of the receipts, maps, brochures, and tickets I collected from that trip to NYC. I wish I could do it again – Actually, I’m sure I will soon.

I am so thankful for the friendships I have in my life, and the friendships I used to have.

Waffles and duck bacon are darn freakin’ good, but they’re best shared with good company.

HermIT HeRmit

In hopes that you’ve played sims before I will now try to explain how I have become a sim in the past week.

Do you know how when you purchase new furniture or items and place them in your sims home they get like ridiculously excited or creative? That has been me this past few days. This mini room/apartment of mine has now gotten a grand addition of a little eating table with two comfy chairs. I have also boughten a food holder shelf & the cutest stinkin’ fruit bowl for the table this week. I am so in love with my home right now that I don’t want to leave it.

A hermit is what I have become, which I am quite good at becoming and don’t even mind. I have been hanging out with myself these past couple of days just reading, writing a whole lot, thinking even more than writing, and watching scream queens (you can blame my sister for this one). I also have been drinking a lot of water because I guess being home does that & I am pretty proud of it.

At the beginning of this year I set the goal to read through the entire bible, and I’ve been doing well through Genesis so far. I feel as if though there is loads I missed the first 1000000 times I’ve read it in the past.

Life is great, y’all. I’m diggin’ it right now.

Cheers to that & a see ya later from this hermit! I hope you’re doing well, and I’ll talk to you soon!

🙂

I am not forgetful

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Blue figs come once a year. Just as avocados do, grapes, and blackberries. Tangerines stay around for most of the year. Green isn’t just a color, it’s a cover and a safe haven.

This place reminds me of a better day when my grandmother used to look out of the kitchen window and sing songs at my sister, cousin, and I as we climbed the trees right outside. I miss her sweetness. I miss watching wheel of fortune with her. I miss her small chuckles when we would trip over ourselves after she had warned us about what was ahead.

As my mother healed she was there to take her role on, and I miss it all.

My grandfather is 90 now. He turned it a bit over a month ago, which is huge because after my grandmother pasted we didn’t think we would last much longer. He became frail, and we knew one could die of heart break.

Today he held my hand and wished me farewell on my way back up to work. Along with that he added, “If I don’t see you again, take very good care of yourself, drive safe, God bless you daughter.”

This window is found in the small hall way of my grandparents home. My grandfather rescued my grandmother for a place of hard abuse, fell in love with her, and quickly bought this place as soon as he could. There were rumors that it was build over a grave yard so the price that he got it for was a steal. He promised to take care of it, and has fought for the home ever since it became rightfully his. In my hands lie stories that could fill books about just this place, and I can only imagine how many we would fill if each one of my family members took the time to sit and share.

This is home. It’s gloomy now with the absence of young energy, and full smiles, but it’s still home. It will always be.

Feel it All

Yesterday, like most days, happiness was the main feeling. But then all of a sudden sadness and anger came about.

Whenever those two show up in my life I find myself telling my inner feels to cool down, chill out, and disappear.

“You shouldn’t feel that way. All is well. Move along.”

As a person I would say that I can be a bit more on the sensitive side. So my emotions are huge and heavy most days. I fall back on them, and over process it all.

THEN I REMEMBERED THAT LIFE IS SOMETHING THAT ONLY HAPPENS ONCE.

My thoughts went from, “don’t feel” to “feel it all!”

If I’m going to be upset I might as well do it one hundred percent, and if I’m going to be happy, you best believe that I’m going to tear through some fields to express it. Laugh like freaking hell, and cry like a child if you need to.

Why cap it ever? Do it all and don’t hold any of those unique feelings in.

Death is too close to miss out on living.

Vows Renewed

Once upon a time I was rebellious, lost, and so uncool.

Salvation came upon this child, and life began to blossom.

Trials and hard days pasted, great ones intertwined.

The future is here, and needed growth has happened.

The readiness in my heart is beginning to burst.

This upcoming Sunday I will publicly step into the cleansed future Christ has spoken over my life.

My heart is ecstatic, ready, and full. The future is open wide. 😉

 

ps. I would end this with a Modern English song (I Melt With You). So happy Jesus loves me beyond this. Cheers to new life!